“Why me?” is a question that we tend to ask ourselves when we are faced with a tragedy, unexpected diagnosis or a loss of a loved one. When I received the diagnosis of Fragile X Syndrome and Autism for Dillon, I started to question a lot of things. I questioned God’s plan and His will for my life and the plans he had set out for Dillon. I remember feeling so hurt, confused, scared, angry and bitter with God, myself and everyone around me.
I’m not saying I didn’t have good days because I did. It’s just that there were a lot of bad days and I didn’t know how to turn things around. The endless nights of Dillon waking up every 3 hours, constant rotation of therapists in our home, IEP meetings, balancing work and school schedules and trying to meet the needs of my other two boys and my husband were emotionally exhausting.
I remember my friends and family telling me that Dillon was a blessing and that God only gives kids like Dillon to special parents like us. Honestly, I did not see it that way. I didn’t want Dillon to have Fragile X and I wanted answers on how to deal with it! I wanted to know why this was happening to me, to my family, and to Dillon. I searched and searched for answers.
Finally, I remember praying, surrendering in tears and saying, “Fine, have it your way!” I know it sounds childish, but it’s what I said. What I was really saying in my heart was, “Your Will be done.” For me, those four words are the most challenging words to live by. Now, I think it’s pretty awesome if it’s God’s will for my life to experience Dillon’s triumphs and struggles so that I am able see things that He wants me to see, and then He can use me to help others. I wish His plan was a little easier, but who am I to argue?
So, if you are starting your journey and you are asking yourself, “Why me?”, ask yourself, “Why not me?”